When the Peppers Hit the Pan: Cooking Zen Mind

I was not here today. My thoughts were a surging, tangled mess of the future, the past, the alternate imaginary realities that "should" be, and of judgments and labels. If I were willing to allow my ego any more indulgences today, I'd feel shame. Too bad for my ego - I cooked dinner tonight.

I won't relay the story of my day conventionally. Instead, I'm going to present it as the patchwork quilt of experiences that I failed to attend, yet I remember as if I had been there.

I woke up late, feeling terribly hungover. Although the only drunkenness that had carried me to sleep was that which resulted from the intensity of last night's MMA training. When setting my alarm I bargained that if I got up early I could treat myself to waffles for breakfast. I didn't keep my end of the bargain, but I had waffles anyway. I guess I did keep up my end of the bargain, depending on which end was "mine".

My good friend's grandfather passed away last night. When I lost my mom, I could tell that he wanted to do or say something, but didn't know what. I understood. Now I understand even better.

I was eating a sandwich at the Subway near my office when a young man walked in and came straight up to me. He asked - somewhat apologetically - if I could spare a couple dollars to help him get a sandwich. Pan handling is so common in that neighborhood that I'm usually annoyed by it. For some reason I just felt happy that I happened to have cash on me. I gave him four dollars, and he was very appreciative. I think he was really hungry.

I was supposed to have a business meeting after work, but...

At the end of the work day I was asked to make a simple chart for a report that I'd previously submitted. I made it, but then I thought I could make it better than what was asked for. Everyone in the office was going out to dinner after work, but I didn't feel like going, because I have all this packing to do. Also, they were going to a steak place, and I wasn't confident that there would be good vegetarian options. After everyone left I realized that I didn't have the new office key on the key chain I brought with me. Thus, I couldn't lock the office door, thus I couldn't leave unless somebody came with a key. I was stuck there for a couple hours before I managed to get a hold of the office manager, who directed me to a spare key hidden in her desk. Man, was I getting steamed during those two hours.

Early into the predicament I learned that the meeting was canceled.

I used that time to take my frustration out on Susan, because she and I had differing opinions on how to approach some of the logistics of our move.

Turned out my meeting with Berta had been canceled too. She took care of going to the bathroom without me.

I took her for a walk with 'The Kap'n' and his dog, Buck. Feeling so frustrated, I bitched and moaned about everything for the entire walk. Sorry Kap'n.

Afterward I cooked dinner. As I pursue the path of allowing my ego to dissolve and my true self to emerge, cooking becomes more and more enriching of an activity. Throughout the day I "tried" to be present. Sometimes I thought I was - a deep breathe here and there, "feel into my body", blah, blah. "How am I present and still miserable"?! But...

In a moment -when the coconut oil sparkled as the peppers hit the pan. There was NOW! And in that moment, I realized what an incredible day I had missed.