I don’t know if I was just dozing off or heading in the opposite direction. I have this faint memory of just a moment earlier, thinking that I shouldn’t have chugged that last bit of water, and that I should not have had that Coke. I have a real aversion to using restrooms on airplanes. No idea why. I was sleepily doing the math: what’s 1 liter + 12 oz.? I think that thought ended – interrupted by something resembling sleep. Then sleep or whatever ended – interrupted by something that sounded like a garbage bag full of bottles crashing to the ground (and mostly shattering). What a strange sound on an airplane.
Something about that rude awakening (or whatever) was a catalyst for a rapid series of thoughts. Not really thoughts. More like introspections? I was reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, and now my own voice sounds all deep (in the mystical sense, not in terms of pitch). Mostly I just want to capture all the things I thought in the span of a few seconds before they’re gone. These thoughts always seem so profound when they occur and then seem dumb later. It’s hard to tell if that’s because grogginess makes them seem valuable, or if some significant part of the thought process is forgotten once all the senses are fully recovered.
What’s on my mind, secondarily, is my mom. What’s on my mind, primarily, is blogging. Addressing this primary thought, I’m concerned with wanting to do it, doing it, people reading it, and wanting (or not) them to read it, in no particular order.
I guess I should take a step back and assume that YOU are reading these blog entries like chapters in a book.
No, wait. Before we even do that, let me say that there’s a good chance this is going to be a really long entry. Continue at your own risk (since there seems to be a fear of reading things online that are more than 200 words or so, I must presume there are consequences – actually I presume no such thing, and am merely being an obnoxious combination of sarcastic and condescending).
Okay, so stepping back in case YOU have some expectation of continuity in the Arian’s Adventures blog. As you may discern from the dates of the posts, a lot of adventuring has not been recorded. The last entry being from the morning of the day of my departure from Japan. To that end there are two things worth sharing here. One is some description of what has happened since then, and the other is an attempt to explain why I’ve failed to capture any adventures in blog form since I returned.
First things first. I returned from Japan to a humble apartment in New York City, which is shared by my fiancé (see earlier posts), and future sister in law. I had a couple months worth of adventuring there, before Susan and I spent most of the summer in Florida. I was there (FL) to keep the grandma out of trouble while my pops and step-mom took a road trip. None of those plans really went according to plan, and the focus (if there was one) of my time in Florida shifted. I won’t try to recall ten weeks worth of activity – even in a long blog post. Suffice it to say that I got to spend some real quality time with family and friends, and it was all over simultaneously too soon and not soon enough.
I returned from Florida to NY around the middle of August. Since then I’ve been hammering away at professional endeavors, practicing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu at the Renzo Gracie Academy, and generally adapting to my surroundings. Earlier today, in my mind, I referred to that last bit as looking for Buddha in the sewer. If you look for him, you won’t find him. If you don’t look for him, you won’t find him. But he’s there. Faith!
Okay, so the second thing I was going to address is the act of blogging itself. More specifically whether I want to, and if so, why don’t I do it? The fact is, I think about it often and feel compelled to do it. The problem is that I get tangled in a complex web of ambivalences.
I just have to interrupt myself to mention how annoying I find the endless pilot and crew announcements. Don’t these guys have anything to do besides talk?!
Anyway, ambivalences. On one hand I want to share my thoughts and experiences. On the other hand, I’m embarrassed to admit that any part of me has the arrogance to think that anyone cares. If no one cares, isn’t it rude or at least pointless to share it? Separate from that, I also find the conventions of blogging a bit frustrating. As a rule, everyone knows you shouldn’t write more than a couple paragraphs, or no one will read. But sometimes I feel like I can’t make a point without a whole lot of words. That’s another embarrassing weakness.
Anyway, the solution I’ve come up with is that I’m doing this for me. I don’t think anyone is reading. It’s probably better that way.
Well, I was definitely right to anticipate that once the cobwebs cleared, the above doesn’t sound particularly purposeful. I’m going with it anyway.
So now that I’ve gotten the background stuff out of the way, it’s time to get on with today’s “adventures”. I’m flying from New York to Los Angeles. Once I land, I’m picking up a rental car and driving to Monterey, CA. My mother was born near there.
At this point there is an important fact that I’m not sure I ever shared in a previous post. If there is anyone reading, this fact is likely already known to them (you). Last summer (July ’08) my mother passed away rather suddenly.
My aunts and uncle have planned to scatter her ashes near the place of her birth. I’m on my way to meet them. So, this is the thing that was on my mind when I awoke from that crashing sound earlier. I feel so strange. I don’t mean I have a strange feeling, I mean that I feel like I am strange. I feel a little anxious about this event, but I’m not sure why. I think I feel suspicious of this ritual. What is its purpose? I suspect its purpose is to create some kind of sense of closure. My first reaction to that is that I don’t need any closure. But I think it would be more honest to say that I don’t want any closure. I think about my mom often, and at those times I miss her. It’s not a heavy sadness, and it’s not at all a burden to carry. I think I’d just as soon continue carrying it indefinitely. That’s probably not a healthy solution, but that’s just what I feel like.
What is it about me that is strange? I doubt the feelings I’ve described are very strange. I think I feel like I’m strange, because I have a tendency to analyze my feelings. Not just observe them, but really take them apart. Look at them from every angle, and poke and prod them like a biologist examining some kind of caterpillar. I dissect them into so many pieces. But then I find all these contradictions and even uncertainties. I end up being at once super-aware of my emotions and feeling very little.
I just need to get off this plane and get on the open road. Even though I’m arriving late, I plan to drive for a couple hours before settling into a hotel. I want to get to I-5, north of The Valley while there’s no traffic. Plus, there is nothing more relaxing than a couple hours on the open road and a night in a cheap motel room.
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I can think of a few things more relaxing...
ReplyDeleteWelcome back, brotha, and we'll see you next week. Enjoy time with your family.
Oh, and by the way, I am sure everyone is different, but one part of the ritual that I find is important, is having a physical location to go back to later, where you can sense a greater presence and feel a little stronger connection. Knowing where the last place was that you were with someone secures them here a little longer. Anyway, that's my take...
You're right, this post is too long and your writing is too dense for the average blog. Of course, that is what makes it worth reading.
ReplyDeleteSo how has it been? What did you take with you from the experience of it all? If anything it is good to see you still strive, and are willing to question, what it is to be human in times which at best choose to see such endeavors as a fault, and at worst a luxury.